Peter Griffin: Son, this is a big day for you. Today, you become the man of the house, because, when we get home, your mother is going to kill me.
Brothers and sisters fighting is as natural as a white mans dialogue in a Spike Lee movie.
I don't want your Mom to worry alright? When she worries she starts saying things like 'I told you so' or 'Stop doing that I'm asleep'.
Gays don't vomit. They're a very clean people. And they've been that way ever since they came over to this country from France.
You better watch who your calling a child louis, because if I'm a child you know what that makes you? A Paedophile, and I'll be damned if I'm going to stand here and be lectured by a pervert!
Come, ice cream. Come to my mouth. How dare you disobey me!
Damn the toilet! It's made slaves of you all! It just sits there consuming other people's feces while contributing nothing of its own to society.
It's a bird, it's a plane, it's a lower-middle class Irish family.
You're the worst thing to happen to musical theater since Andrew Lloyd Webber.
Chris Griffin: Where do you think you go when you die?
Southern boy: I learned from church that if you're good you go to heaven but if you're bad, you go to a place where the dead believe they're still living and they pray for death but death won't come.
Chris Griffin: UPN?
Lois, when I'm through with them, our kids will be so smart, they'll be able to program their own VCRs without spilling piping hot gravy all over myself.
For God's sake, shake me. Shake me like a British nanny!
Excuse me, is your refrigerator running? Because if it is, it probably runs like you, very homosexually.
Lois Griffin: Peter! You're bribing your daughter with a car?
Peter Griffin: Ah, c'mon, Lois, isn't 'bribe' just another word for 'love'?